I always knew I was a bit of a feminist at heart. I was brought up to believe that men and women are equal and that neither have any predefined, boxed space, whether it’s in society, at home or in the workplace. But it was only after marriage that I began to realize how much of a feminist I really was. With every passing day, I kept questioning the stereotypical male and female roles: why should I be the one cooking, especially, if we are both working? Why is it my responsibility to keep the house clean?

Why shouldn’t you be the one worrying about my health? Why am I asked to fast for YOUR long life and not vice versa? Why is my life not as valuable as yours? And while I have been lucky enough to have a husband who usually doesn’t let these questions arise (or at least most of them, J most of the time), I know that many others still face these questions on a daily basis and unfortunately, get no answers from their partners, their families or society at large.

Like I said, it was only after marriage that my ‘feminist’ self began to show its true colours, particularly because I insisted on continuing to work after marriage. Mind you, that doesn’t mean I started burning my bras and going butch. No sir, not for me. I really do appreciate the support my lacy bras give me and have no intention of setting them on fire. 😉 But I did have a lot more expectations thrown my way and I started questioning almost all of them, even the ones coming from my own mother.

Before I go further, let me state that my parents, and particularly my mother, have raised me in the most gender-neutral way possible, even by today’s standards. I was never expected to cook just because I was a girl; both my brother and I were expected to learn to cook in order to be able to survive. I was never told I could or couldn’t do X Y Z just because I’m a girl; instead both my brother and I were taught that we could do and be anything we put our minds to, and that we should be the best at whatever we do. You get the picture.

But still, perhaps even my mother couldn’t fully escape the clutches of gender stereotyping when she’d casually mention “See Manisha? Even though she works, her house is always spotless.” “See XYZ? She manages her home and her family so smoothly despite her long working hours.” While these comments were only intended to inspire me to manage my time and energy better, their implication for me today is: if you want to work and have a family, you need to be Super Woman. While in my mother’s case it was an underlying insinuation, my mother-in-law made no attempt to hide it. When I told her I got a job,her response was “Dekh lo beta, bada mushkil hoga. Ghar to tumhe sambhaalna hi hoga, ab bahar ka bhi dekhna padega.”

Again, I respect my mother-in-law a lot for the loving, generous, kind-hearted and simple human being that she is. But when it comes to gender issues, we are poles apart. And while she said this only in a motherly and concerned manner, again the assumption, this time not so hidden, was: being a woman, it is my lot in life to take care of the house; it is something I cannot escape so why would I want to add the pressures of a job to it?

But why is it my lot in life? Why is it my sole responsibility? Why should I be expected to be Super Woman? And more importantly, why should I strive to be Super Woman? Apart from running myself down, what else will it bring me? Just like the man I have married, at the end of the day, I too am human. After an 8 hour stint at work, not including travel time, I also get tired by the time I reach home.
It is as much my husband’s responsibility to take care of the house as it is mine. (It’s a different matter that in my household, my husband happens to be the cleaner, more organized one and most of the time makes my part of the effort too.) So why is so much more expected out of a woman than from a man, when they are both in the same position?

Speaking of expectations, most often, it is women (including ourselves) who are harder on other women. Most men (apart from the likes of my hubby perhaps J ) are not that bothered about perfection within the house as women are. Ask my father how I’m doing and most likely, he’ll tell you I have a good job, a good husband and a pretty good life. Ask my mother the same thing and she’ll tell you my house could probably be cleaner and more organized, I should manage my time better and work harder at losing the fat suit J. Gotta love moms! And yes, maybe I do need to work harder at losing weight, but that’s not my point. The point is: it’s not the end of the world if there is stuff on the dining table, no hell will break loose if the cushions on my couch aren’t fluffed and in the proper position, the gods will not be furious if my kitchen is a little less than perfectly arranged. The fact that I manage to cook dinner, pack lunch, fold the laundry, do grocery shopping and other smaller chores APART from my job should be more than enough. Most men cannot even manage that much after a full day’s work, let alone keep an immaculate house too. So why should it be expected from me? And more importantly,
why should I feel less than confident, less than perfect, less than a real woman if I can’t do all that? If I can’t be Superwoman?

Show me one man who holds down a good job, cooks all three (or even two) meals, does homework with the kids, folds the laundry, keeps a clean kitchen and a good house, exercises, keeps in touch with family and friends and still has the energy to spend time and/or have sex with his wife. Show me that one real-life Super Man. And I’ll show you how to dump your husband in 5 minutes and run after this
rarer-than-rare specimen 😉

By Bhavya Tripathi. Bhavya Tripathi is a feminist at heart, a foodie by body and a communications consultant by profession. When she isn’t arguing and fighting with her husband about women’s lib, she is either cooking food, eating food or thinking about food.