Some years back at the Pushkar mela, my husband and I were dining at the restaurant of our hotel. There was one more guy, who looked like a hippie, with dread locks and printed saffron clothes & jhola bag sitting in front of us, eating his dinner. We were busy with our dinner & laptop and looking at our photos, enjoying the peace & quiet, when a bunch of tourists & Indians rushed in. 4 girls & 3 guys were accompanied by 5 Indian young men.

They were not there for food, but to lounge around, drink & chat. They seemed like a jovial bunch of friends who had just befriended the Indian group. They were unusually loud and the boys were telling them stories about India & Rajasthan & Pushkar. I was getting a bit irritated by the noise, but tried to focus away from them. Soon they started singing a popular Hindi, Bollywood number.

The Indian boys were telling them about the song, “O sole miyo”, which is a Hindi song inspired from a Spanish song. The group was from a Spanish speaking country & they were so happy to hear that their song has been adapted to Hindi, that they soon started singing both the versions & got up to dance.

Two girls and Three Indian boys were dancing. I enjoyed myself looking at the girls & their deft movements.

One of the girls lifted the corner of her skirt & tucked it in to reveal her thighs and tucked in her t-shirt into her bra to reveal her midriff & invited one of the Indian boys & she started teaching him, the Tango. She took turns to dance with all the boys. The party was getting hotter and louder as the other 3 couples also started, singing, clapping, rolling, laughing, kissing, getting on top of each other enjoying their romance & generaly making merry, high on whatever they were smoking & drinking.

The two Indian boys who were not dancing, came to the side of our table and started whispering. Since the music was loud, their whisper was audible enough for me…

“Tu char logon ko udhar wale raaste se le ja, baki teen ko mai le jaunga, phir mai laundiya ko lekar pahunchunga. Sab wahan par mujhe milna” —

“You take 4 people with you and I will take the rest of the 3 & then I will get the girl & we’ll meet there(sic)”

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A chill trickled down my spine and I felt my cheeks and throat, getting sour, parching and pulling in and my heart beat racing. My stomach felt like a pit. Something was not right. Instinctively I checked the dancers again. The boys were provocatively dancing with one girl. She was drunk & she kept pulling their hands to her waist, back & shoulders & hips to tell them where they were going wrong in their steps.

I had no business interfering in that, but still my instincts started bursting as Goosebumps all over my body. I turned to my husband, who was least bothered with all that was happening and was busy with his laptop. I told him in Bengali, “There is something wrong with these guys. I don’t think their intentions are good. I feel I should warn the girls not to go alone with them. How can I talk to them?”

My husband, who was clueless till then, was in two minds, “If we warn them in English, then the boys will get to know. We are in their town, they might harm us. I don’t know; what if they follow us or harm you. We will be walking alone for photography at odd hours, for the next few days. Besides how do we know if the girl is their girlfriend or not.”

I narrated the entire dialogue I had over-heard and kept insisting somehow we should inform the other girls or guys in the group.

“Why were they referring to her as the “laundiya” and why were they planning about breaking up the group & meeting somewhere else & calling the rest of the guys. Can’t you see there is something not right?!”

Both of us were contemplating how to address the issue. “I know some bit of Spanish”, my husband said, “But I don’t think I can explain it well.”

“You can call one of the guys out, on a pretext of talking and tell him what we fear.”

I took out a paper napkin and started scribbling a note for them.

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Suddenly the lone hippie guy in front of us, started talking loudly in Spanish with the group. He conversed and laughed with them for a few minutes. I think he was also getting agitated with the noise. Just as he finished talking, suddenly the guys got up; the girl stopped dancing & took all their stuff, and started leaving. They seemed in a hurry & were talking animatedly among themselves.

The Indian boys tried to persuade them to stay for some more time & one of them even asked to leave the girl with them, and said he will walk her up to their hotel. But the group ended all conversation, with,

“Bye, see you, no no thank you, we have to go now, we will meet you tomorrow or later” and left.

The Indian boys group, stood around for sometime discussing something and then they left. Our hotel was at the back of the lake and it was quite a long winding walk to the main town. I prayed that they could walk safely to their hotels and they should be out of all danger. We went back to our room, but I couldn’t sleep all night, hoping & praying that nothing untoward should happen to the girl.

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Next morning when I reached the restaurant for breakfast, I found the hippie sitting at the same spot, eating porridge. He was wearing a gamchha & a dhoti & had some bhabhut on his forehead.

He looked up at me & folded his hands & spoke in crisp accent free Hindi, “Namaste, aap kaisi hain?”

I smiled & greeted him, “Namaste, I am fine”… and sat down still slightly jittery with from the previous night’s experience.

He spoke again, “I over-heard you last night. I can understand little bit of Bangla. I learned in Banaras. Don’t worry. I warned them about what you heard from the boys. I told them to go safely in a group to the hotel & to avoid the boys. They are probably safe. I have also told some of my friends to keep an eye on those boys. They are locals. If they talk about something in Hindi in front of us, we can understand.”

I was shocked, surprised, relieved and happy & a rush of gratitude flowed through my body. I didn’t know what to tell him. He introduced himself as a Sadhu from Rishkesh, originally from an European country. He perhaps noticed all that was happening & when he heard me, he warned the group, which left in a hurry. I thanked him for helping out.

“Some people don’t understand India”… he pondered in Hindi. “The girls forgot that this is not a high street restaurant in Sao Paulo. I don’t want to speak against Indians. I have lived here all my life. But when we make foolish mistakes of equating Indian culture and Indian people with all other global people, we also put ourselves in dangerous positions. We always should understand the culture of India”.

He continued in English, “You can dance Latino in your own country where it is common. You cannot dance like that with an Indian boy who is not initiated to such dances & such behavior by women. To an Indian you are open for anything. To him, if you can reveal your body, engaging in sexually provocative touching and dancing, to him, you are inviting him for anything. They will tell her, because you have no inhibition in touching several men, you shouldn’t mind if several men get intimate with you.”

“Initially I thought she was one of their girlfriends”… I said

He laughed, “Girlfriend? All Firang girls are looked upon as ready for being girlfriend material. It’s not hard to imagine why they want that girlfriend for. If she agrees or gives consent to it, that’s her choice. But when she doesn’t, that is when tourists are drugged, molested, raped, or killed by new found stranger friends. Many of these Indian men believe that if a firang has sex with him, she is open to have sex with anyone. Haven’t you heard them saying, “Inko koi farak nahi parta, Inke liye to koi bari baat nahi hai.”… (Sex with a stranger is not a big deal for them) One night stands are ok, open sexual life is ok in our home countries, but in India, such behavior gives out mixed signals that the woman is promiscuous.”(sic)

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I strongly feel that my country India should be so safe for all women, that a foreigner woman when she is here, should feel free to wear anything, act any which way, go anywhere, without getting herself harmed. I don’t want people to blame them that they asked for it or they are loose in morals because of the way they dress or live. A woman in every part of India should be safe.

But I couldn’t disagree with the ascetic who has made India his home. People, who make India their home, realize or understand that you cannot change the mindsets of the masses, overnight.

The masses already have a very narrow mindsets & judgment about the sexual life and culture and behavior of ‘Firangs’ — non-Indian people, which includes foreigners of all countries and also NRI Indians.

In such a situation it is always best to read up on the back culture, social behavior of local men & women, social norms, possible crime related risks, language and thresholds of tolerance and limit of the society.

Some days back I tried to explain this cultural context to an American woman, when she literally bit my head off, getting very judgmental on ‘why Indian women avoid going out with strangers’.

Wherever we are, we have to respect the cultural limitation of the society, not only for their respect but also for our own safety. You can go to cuba & walk the roads in a very small hot pant and you can dance a very sexy dance with a stranger, probably without raising any alarms of danger.

But I won’t do that in India, unless I am in a very familiar surrounding among friends and secure & safe.

We are always trying to cover up our cultural flaws gloating over how great we are as a nation. We focus so much on our art, dance & music that we consider only that as our culture. Not giving importance to the social behavior and the crimes, as they are also a part of our cultural ethos gone haywire.

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It’s true that there is a lot of sexual repression in men. Generally there is no freedom to have sex with women, outside a marriage or a committed relationship.

But it is wrong to assume that just because Indian men don’t get enough sex — they think or assume or target, the foreigner woman, because she won’t mind … going by the stereotype, “Inke liye to koi bari baat nahi hai(sic).”

Even Indian women do not have the liberty to have sex. Are they getting into bands or groups to target, lure or attack single men to rape them?

Rapes or attacks happen, because the society and its law enforcement — Doesn’t consider RAPE as a CRIME. The family, the law makers, the laws, the police and the social structure gives them ample support, to cover up their crime. It also doesn’t consider that RAPE can also happen when smaller incidents of violence, like stalking and voyeurism, are ignored.

Excuses like — the woman asked for it, she is an easy woman, she ventured into an unsafe zone, she was wearing revealing clothes, she was wearing western clothes, she drinks & smokes, she gave consent, she talks bad language, she is habituated to sex, she was with other men not married or related to her —

All these are excuses of the same society which buries its head deep in misogyny, while at the same time crying out loud that ‘violence on women should stop’ and ‘India is unsafe for women’.

The violence on women is not out there, it’s in the mind. It’s in the excuse that you give to pass off your violent act, by putting the blame on the woman. It’s in the excuse that women will misuse laws to attack men. It’s in the excuse that rape is about sex. It’s in the excuse that if men & women were to have more sex, crime on women will reduce (hah!)

Crime happens where there is no fear of punishment. When crime doesn’t get punished, it reduces fear. 99% violent crimes on women and children happen in India because there is no fear of law. The prospect of a severe punishment is about instilling fear of law.

Unless there are stringent laws and fear of a serious punishment sends out, transparent, strong and clear messages to the society, violence on women will continue.